Wishing, hoping, thinking and praying

The past few days have been hard. Hard because we've been faced with some real grown-up decisions to make. I hate those. I hate having to be responsible. I hate having to make choices that affect our family on so many levels.

I learned five years ago that being a working mom was tough. Sure, it has it's clear advantages and disadvantages. Still, it is tough, even in the best of circumstances.

I'm a firm believer that there is no one decision that is right for everyone. I believe with my whole heart that just because it is right for someone to stay home with their children, it is just as right for others to return to their jobs and be "working moms". Some are judgmental--that goes for both ways. I've known ladies that think the only right decision for everyone is to stay home with children, and I've known ladies who judge other ladies for giving up everything just to stay home. In my opinion, both of these views are very wrong. I think we women should embrace each others' decisions knowing that whatever decision was made was made by putting a lot of thought and prayer into it! We need to support each other in EVERY decision, whether or not we would have made that same decision.

Now, having said all of that, I've been faced with this very type of decision. Before I left for my maternity leave we had talked about the possibility of my returning to work on only a part-time status. How blessed am I to work for a place that will do anything to support young families?! I was thrilled at the possibility. Then, the economic tumble. It has all but squashed the prospect of me working part-time. I'm scared. We're scared.

These times have been tough on the trucking industry. This makes Brandon's job security not so secure these days. What would we do if he were to lose his job? Is it a sign of weak faith to plan for the worst or is it being a responsible parent to want to ensure there is food on our table and a roof over our head should the worse happen? Conflicted. That's what I am. I HATE feeling like my faith is less than what it should be. I've heard it said that you should have faith and KNOW that the Lord will provide. And I DO know the Lord will provide---but is He providing through MY job security?

I'm so blessed. I know I've said that so much, but I truly am. One thing that I've always been thankful for has been the caregivers for my children. I have never had to send any of my children to a daycare not even one day of their lives. From the first day I went back to work after having Lawson he stayed with his (and my) beloved Ms. Becky. What a blessing to be able to leave him with a Christian friend! Then, shortly after Jagger was born and I returned to work mom and dad had moved to town. Mom began keeping the boys two days a week while Becky had them the other three. Last year they started staying with Mom every afternoon of the week. So, my children have always had great Christian influences even when I wasn't there with them. I won't say it made my decision to keep working easy, but bearable.

My mom worked the whole time I was growing up. I don't feel slighted at all. We stayed with my Grandmother every day and enjoyed our time with her. Then we got to enjoy the time with Mom when she got home. Now, I know I'm not perfect but I think I turned out quite alright! :) And the ways I'm NOT perfect probably have nothing to do with her working--there was only so much she could do with me. Ha.

I know that my boys love me. I know that they've always loved me--even when I worked. I'll admit I do usually live for 5:00 just to hear the "Mom! You're HOME!"s and those welcome home hugs (they are the BEST!)

Whew! I know I'm rambling tonight! I just have all of these thoughts! I think I just needed to unload some things! After much thought and prayer, I've decided to return to work full time after my maternity leave is over. It's been a tough decision but I think under all the circumstances and knowing my children have a LOVING environment to stay while I'm at work, I think it's the right decision---FOR ME and MY family.

It starting out with a lot of WISHING for that part-time possibility and HOPING it would pan out. Then progressed to THINKING about whether this would really be the right decision for our family. But ultimately it was the PRAYING that led us to the decision that we believe is right for us for right now. I believe that as long as we let God lead us in our decision making we can't make a wrong decision.